2001

Merry Christmas from Bah and the Humbugs

In 2001 Bah & the Humbugs celebrated the two-thousandth anniversary of the very first Christmas with Merry Christmas from Bah & the Humbugs.

Tracks

12/25/01
Christmas in July (in August)
Birthday Boy
Christmas Survivor
Reality TV
Escape from Christmas Planet
Peace on Earth

A little boy was born in a winter night's chill
12/25/01
In an animal shelter on the side of a hill
12/25/01
The parents stayed there out of desperation
Because the inn had screwed up their reservation
It wasn't an ideal situation
It was not their idea of a nice vacation

A bright star appeared in the clear night sky
12/25/01
And it drew the attention of some passersby
12/25/01
The horses and goats had front row seating
There were wise men, shepherds, a drummer was beating
It looked like some strange kind of midnight meeting
It's a story that ought to be worth repeating

That was two thousand years ago to this day
12/25/01
And the story lives on; it won't go away
12/25/01
All over the world people still recall
The tale of that boy who was born in a stall
And the one simple night that started it all
12/25/01

I just don't understand what is going on today
Traditions we hold sacred are blithely thrown away
I thought that I'd seen everything and I could not be shocked
But you will not believe the crazy people down the block

In the dog days of summer when they should be at the shore
They're putting on their scarves and caps and singing door to door
Confusing all the fireflies with strings of twinkling lights
And ticking off the crickets with their not-so-silent nights

So tell me, why would anyone have Christmas in July
In the middle of August?
In August
In August

Someone has to tell them it's the wrong time of the year
For eggnog at the swimming pool and mistletoe with beer
This is one holiday that we should not allow
If I had any say in it, I'd make a law right now

And tell me, why would anyone have Christmas in July
In the middle of August?
In August
In August

I'm dreaming of the right Christmas.
Oh Holy Child, what night is this?

 
Now, Christmas in July may not have a solid date
But midnight August first, that is technically too late
On the second, well, we might believe the party ran too long
But August 9th or 10th, no! It's absolutely wrong.
If we don't draw the line, and keep tradition clean
Soon it'll be September, or even on Halloween!
Don't give me that "free country" crap, or quote the Bill of Rights
Someone ought to march right in and shut off all their lights

And ask them, "Why would anyone have Christmas in July
In the middle of August?"
In August
In August
Christmas in July in August
In August
In August
Who can justify Christmas in July in August?
In August...

We got the streamers
We got the hats
Is there gonna be music?
Yeah, we thought of that

We got the tree
We hung up the sock
There's one more thing
That would make this party rock

We're all waiting on the birthday boy
'Cause this is something he'd enjoy
We brought a couple of special toys
For a super special birthday boy

We got the balloons
We got the cakes
Isn't that just like him?
He's always late

We looked up the street
Looked hither and yon
Even if he's absent
We'll party on and on

We're all waiting on the birthday boy
'Cause this is something he'd enjoy
We're gonna make a lot of noise
For a super special birthday boy

We got Matthew & Mark
We got Luke & John
If he never shows up
We'll party on and on

We're all waiting on the birthday boy
'Cause this is something he'd enjoy
We brought a couple of special toys
For a super special birthday boy

We're all waiting on the birthday boy
'Cause this is something he'd enjoy
We're gonna make a lot of noise
For a super special birthday boy

We're all waiting on the birthday boy
'Cause this is something he'd enjoy
We brought a couple of special toys
For a super special birthday boy

We're all waiting on the birthday boy
'Cause this is something he'd enjoy
We're gonna make a lot of noise
For a super special birthday boy

Look at me Mom, look at me Dad
Everybody look at me
I won't be home for Christmas
'Cause they put me on TV

What are you doing on Christmas Island?
What are you doing on Christmas Island?
What are you doing on Christmas Island?
Ho, ho, yo

I'm gonna win a million dollars
I'm gonna win a million dollars
I'm gonna be the Christmas survivor

It's challenge time!
I gotta buy the hot toy that's in short supply
Attend two parties – at the same time
Light all the candles, but not the tree
Sing Christmas carols past the first line

What are you doing on Christmas Island?
What are you doing on Christmas Island?
What are you doing on Christmas Island?
Ho, ho, yo

I'm not voted out, I'm still in the running
I could still win and get all that money
I'm gonna be the Christmas survivor

It's challenge time!
I gotta stay awake through the children's play
Stay alive in the drunk driver derby
Buy 17 gifts with 95 bucks
Tell a Smurf from a goddamn Furbie

I won all the challenges
I don't understand it
Those bastards voted me out
Just because I'm left handed?

'Twas the night before Christmas and I was just through
Watching "Jackass," "Survivor" and "Millionaire," too.
I was dozing there next to my widescreen TV
when a clamor awoke me – and what did I see?

I saw Santa, I saw Santa,
In the Sahara with his elves.
They were building a rude shelter
for their gear and for themselves.
But he stumbled and he fumbled
and the elves began to scoff.
So they called a tribal council
and they voted Santa off!
I said Santa, where ya going?
It has barely started snowing,
you can't just call it quits, no matter what the vote may be.
He said "Man, I've got to go,
folks don't go for ho-ho-ho,
they want a Santa Claus a la reality TV!"

I saw Santa, I saw Santa
there with Regis on his show,
Who was the first czar of Russia?
Santa clearly didn't know.
So he used his final lifeline
asking Rudolph for suggestions
But that reindeer came up clueless
and refused to answer questions.
Regis said "Your final answer?
Well, all right – I'm keeping Prancer!"
I said, Santa, whatcha doing there with Mr. Kathie Lee?
He said, "Man, get out of here,
I hear people loud and clear,
they want a Santa Claus a la reality TV!"

I saw Santa, I saw Santa
on TV the other day,
leaping through a ring of fire
with his reindeer and his sleigh.
Santa cleared a row of buses
then he benched 200 pounds,
Next he threw himself in concrete
and then ate some coffee grounds.
I said, Santa, hey, what is it?
This is not your normal visit,
you haven't left me presents underneath the Christmas tree.
He said "Yo, that's all been done,
kids today want modern fun,
they want a Santa Claus a la reality TV!"

Then laying a finger aside of his nose
and munching some bugs, up the chimney he rose,
and I heard him exclaim, just as clear as could be,
"They want a Santa Claus a la reality TV!"

Twenty-three million light years from Earth
The venerable Festival of Tinsel and Mirth
Was just underway on a world called Zarxee*
The twelfth planet circling Mistletos 3

Zarxeens of red, Zarxeens of green
Clumped all together in a holiday scene.
Small ones held tight to their parental array
As the Leader broke in with a voice of dismay

"I hate to bring news that will ruin our fun,
But our sun will go nova at quarter past one,
It will burn all our cities, and melt all our dishes
And incinerate us and our dogs, cats, and fishes!"

Panic all around the towns! Panic was the watchword.
As Zarxeens tall and Zarxeens small each craned their two heads skyward.
There was no hope, they all were doomed, until the littlest Zarxeen
Stood all alone in Rigel Square and said in tones serene:

Get that freaked-out look off each face....
Our world's kerflumpt; we cannot stay...
It's time for us to go into space...
Head straight for the Milky Way."

We've got to move fast
There's no time to plan it
We've got to escape from Christmas Planet

All of the Zarxeens got into a ship
And prepared all their pods for a long, scary trip
They charged up their flashlights, and wound all their clocks
And nestled all snug in their smartly wrapped box

The box was programmed to land somewhere familiar
Near colored lights, pine trees, and temperatures chillier
Many lightyears later, they crashed on our world
For the most part intact, except for some ribbons unfurled

Peeking out of the ship the Zarxeens exclaimed
"We've landed! And no one was injured or maimed."
But when they looked out there were things to confound them;
They saw dozens of other ships piled around them!

Ships wrapped in silver; ships wrapped in gold,
And the Zarx tree above them, a sight to behold
It was so much like Zarxee it made them all wistful
For the place where "ET" stands for "extra tinsel"

Things worked out great
And we didn't even plan it
We found us a brand new Christmas Planet!

Their joy was cut short by a horrible screech:
In came two giants, with just one head each
They reached toward the ship with whoops of delight
The Zarxeens had no choice but to put up a fight

 
To make a long story much, much shorter
They conquered the world in fairly short order
Then, using processes purely organic
They turned Earth into a new Christmas Planet.

Since that day, career paths have narrowed to three:
Toy-making, gift-wrapping and trimming the tree
Some words that were banned include "humbug" and "bah"
You have to be merry, because it's the law.

Being grouchy or somber will put you in peril;
The Christmas Planet Mood Squad will come sing a carol.
Yes, everything changed when the Zarxeens got here
And that's how we came to have Christmas all year

Resistance is useless
So don't even plan it
There's no escape from Christmas Planet

There's so much madness in December
The gifts and parties wear you out
But it's important to remember
What this holiday's about

Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth

Our minds go numb, our eyes get jaded
From all the Christmas propaganda
But there's one wish that hasn't faded
A gift that won't come wrapped up from Santa

Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth

Look what's come of history
Our planet's very small
We've all gotta make it together
If we're gonna make it at all

Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth

Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth

Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth