2003

Another Christmas Ruined by Bah and the Humbugs

In 2003 Bah & the Humbugs helped Philadelphians get into the holiday spirit by bringing their special brand of cheer to the Prince Music Theater. The Humbugs opened the Prince's showing of the classic Christmas film "It's A Wonderful Life" with a 45-minute set of cheerful, satirical songs at the landmark theater on Chestnut at Broad.

The band also produced its first full-length studio album in ten years. Another Christmas Ruined hit the snowy streets with seven brand new Christmas pop classics, plus "Jolly Roger, the Christmas Pirate," a 12-song musical Christmas story.

Tracks

Genetically Modified Gingerbread Man
Christmas Police
The First Snowflake
Monsanto Clause
Black-and-White World
Free the Reindeer
Get Me to the Stable on Time

The government said it was totally fine
They swore there was nothing to fear
The commercial showed something benign
A bundle of holiday cheer
This one didn't follow the plan
I knew things were getting off track
When he popped himself out of the pan
Rolled his eyes and said "I'm back"

Run, run, as fast as you can!
(Run, run, run, as fast as you can)
Genetically modified gingerbread man!
(Genetically modified gingerbread man)
He's part Jim Carrey, part Jackie Chan
Genetically modified gingerbread man

The gingerbread man picked up a knife
"Let's make some warranties void!"
I hid and feared for my life
While my home was slowly destroyed
He gouged my vinyl LPs
Poured glue all over the floor
Filled the bathtub with shredded cheese
Then a friend of mine came to the door
I yelled,

Run, run, as fast as you can!
(Run, run, run, as fast as you can)
Genetically modified gingerbread man!
(Genetically modified gingerbread man)
He's the Samurai cookie from feudal Japan
Genetically modified gingerbread man

Finally I had to make a stand
There's only one way to defeat him
I had it carefully planned
Tear him into pieces and eat him
Somehow he slipped from my hand
He ran out into the street
Joined up with a criminal band
So if you ever happen to meet him

Run, run, as fast as you can!
(Run, run, run, as fast as you can)
Genetically modified gingerbread man!
(Genetically modified gingerbread man)
The gingerbread dough has just hit the fan
Genetically modified gingerbread man

You can't catch him, he's genetically modified
Genetically modified gingerbread man
Using modern techniques that have never been codified
Genetically modified gingerbread man
Genetically emphatically radically modified
Genetically modified gingerbread man
Run, run, run, you're right to be terrified
Genetically modified gingerbread man

It's January One
and we've called in the crew
There is work to be done
we've got so much to do
We'll be out day and night
checking everything through
And if you don't get right
we'll be coming for you.

Two weeks after Christmas it's all over town
That your tree is still up, that it hasn't come down
Folks are starting to talk
They can see from the walk
That it's withered and dry, and the needles are brown.

Well, we're the Christmas Police
And we're making it clear
This is going to cease, yes, and this is the year!
If you don't want to wind up taken downtown
Then that poor Christmas tree has got to come down!

Three weeks after Christmas and going on four
But you've still got a wreath hanging up on your door
Someone else dropped a dime,
And reported your crime
It was one of the neighbors - no wonder they're sore.

Well, we're the Christmas Police
And we're making it clear
This is going to cease, yes, and this is the year!
If you don't want the handcuffs, the perp walk and more
Better get that old wreath right off of your door!

Take it down, take it down, take it down
Or we'll do it for you!

It's already March, now the winter is gone
But you've still got the deer lighting up on your lawn
It's too late, and by far;
People think it's bizarre.
Everyone agrees there's something sick going on.

Well, we're the Christmas Police
And we're making it clear
This is going to cease, yes, and this is the year!
Better get out of town, and do it by dawn
Or get those damn deer up and off of your lawn!

That's right, we're the Christmas Police
And we're making it clear
This is going to cease, yes, and this is the year!
There's a time and a place, but it's long overdue
So get up to speed, or we're coming for you!

Take it down, take it down, take it down
Or we'll do it for you!
Take it down
Or we're coming for you!
Take it down
Or that's what'll happen to you!

There's a man who says he knows the future
And he paints a picture all in shades of white
There's a chill in the air, and the clouds are getting thicker
And everyone is staying home tonight

Now we're waiting, standing at the window
Gazing at the streetlights of the town
'cause the only thing that's missing is the snow
And that moment when the first snowflake comes down

You know, the first snowflake has a special power
'Cause it brings along a trillion more, they say
It coats the trees and gets deeper by the hour
And then Christmas can't be very far away

Now we're waiting, standing at the window
Gazing at the streetlights of the town
'cause the only thing that's missing is the snow
And that moment when the first snowflake comes down

The earth is a snowball
And every day it turns around again
And every year we end up here
When fall gives way to winter

And we're waiting, standing at the window
Gazing at the streetlights of the town
'cause the only thing that's missing is the snow
And that moment when the first snowflake

Yeah, we're waiting, standing at the window
Gazing at the streetlights of the town
'cause the only thing that's missing is the snow
And we're waiting 'til that first snowflake comes down

You'll love the magic of genetic combination

On Christmas Eve it's there in black and in white,
as Santa gets set for his annual flight.
Some kids have been bad, some kids have been good,
and Santa knows which, just as Santa Claus should.
It's all very simple — there's virtue and vice,
some people are naughty, some people are nice.
Lines are all nice and straight, nothing's shaded or curled,
In Santa's well-ordered and black-and-white world.

On Judgment Day they'll have a detailed list
of each man and each woman who'll ever exist.
St. Peter will check and be able to know
which ones get to heaven and which go below.
It's all very simple — there's virtue and vice,
some people are naughty, some people are nice.
There will be no appeal, no reproach to be hurled,
St. Peter and Santa in their black-and-white world.

The world is big, but everybody knows
Some folks are our friends and some folks are our foes;
the friends are the ones who will do as we tell,
and as for the rest, well, we bomb them to hell!
It's all very simple — there's virtue and vice,
some people are naughty, some people are nice.
Our banners are up, all our flags are unfurled,
With Dubya and Santa in their black-and-white world!
Lines are all nice and straight, nothing's shaded or curled,
In Santa's well-ordered and black-and-white world.

Santa and the activists talked and talked
but he was intractable
Letting the reindeer fly off on their own
was impractical
But they had plans
to show the man
just how far he was wrong
They found with ease
celebrities
to join in a heartwarming protest song
and David Bowie sang along
(they soon hit number one with)

FREE THE REINDEER
FREE THE REINDEER
FREE THE REINDEER NOW
Right now, oh don't you know you got to
FREE THE REINDEER
FREE THE REINDEER
FREE THE REINDEER NOW

Rudolf was away at the annual convention
of misfit toys
The darkness let the activists sneak into the stall
without any noise
The girls and boys
would get the gift
of consciousness this year
Just move the joist
and give a lift
and now all the reindeer were free and clear
The crew gave a mighty cheer
(because they'd fin'lly got to)

FREE THE REINDEER
FREE THE REINDEER
FREE THE REINDEER NOW
Right now, oh don't you know you got to
FREE THE REINDEER
FREE THE REINDEER
FREE THE REINDEER ...

Now
they were truly free
Just like you and me
And what else would they do?
They flew
into the blue
waters
of the Arctic Ocean
'cause the reindeer had no sense
of direction
without Rudolf
they'd got used to him being there

Well the reindeer activists bravely rescued four
but they never got a rhyming pair
They searched in vain for the others, but only found
here and there, a tuft of hair
But the man from Monsanto said that through the
magic of genetic modification
They'd be brought back to life - and they were,
and they were bigger, and stronger,
and wilder, and meaner,
with X-ray eyes and turbo power
and now it was time for everyone on Earth to

FLEE THE REINDEER
FLEE THE REINDEER
FLEE THE REINDEER NOW
Right now, oh yes indeed you'd better
FLEE THE REINDEER
FLEE THE REINDEER
FLEE THE REINDEER NOW

We're out here in the open
and I don't know what I'm hopin'
to see, or what I'm doin' out so late
The camel's kinda lopin'
and I'm still gropin'
for a reason to keep this date
It's just our decision
cause we had a kinda vision
and it might be a collision with fate

So get me to the stable on time
Get me to the stable
I'm ready and willing and able
If you get me to the stable on time

Where are we goin' I don't know
and how will we get there I ain't certain
all I know is we are on our way
We haven't got a map &
so whatever's gonna happen
better make sense of this crazy day
I thought I heard an angel
(Spendin' time out on the range'll
do that to ya) and the angel seemed to say

That I should get me to the stable on time
Get me to the stable
You can drag me with a cable
Just get me to the stable on time

We are the three amigos
and everyone we see goes
"Hey! There's Melchior and Kaspar and Balthazar!"
We try to look impressive
but the mileage is excessive
and we still don't know how far we are
It's another point to ponder
as we wander over yonder
following yonder star

So get me to the stable on time
Get me to the stable
You may say that it's a fable
But get me to the stable on time

Convey me to the stable
Relay me to the stable
Defray me to the stable
Get me to the stable on time

By January First
we thought we'd seen the worst
But by the Third it was getting absurd
If we'd just turned north
we could've made it by the Fourth
But it was two more days before we got through all the
haze
And then came Epiphany!...

"Since you're 12 days old,
here's some frankincense and gold
and myrhh to make sure our benedictions stick,
By the way, we're not late
cause we targeted the date
and got here to the stable in the nick
of time."

Got here to the stable on time
Got here to the stable
Stickin' to the time-table
Is how we got to the stable on time

Conveyed me to the stable
Relayed me to the stable
Flayed me to the stable
Got me to the stable on time

Spurred me to the stable
Transferred me to the stable
Bestirred me to the stable
Got me to the stable on time

Rushed me to the stable
Mushed me to the stable
Flushed me to the stable
Got me to the stable on time

Got me to the stable
Brought me to the stable
God wrought me to the stable
Got me to the stable on time

Sent me to the stable
Lent me to the stable
Orient me to the stable
Got me to the stable on time

Propelled me to the stable
Pell-melled me to the stable
First-Noelled me to the stable
Got me to the stable on time