Bah & the Humbugs - America's premier Christmas comedy rock band

2005

Re-Gifted: Selections from 1985-2005

 
Bah & the Humbugs - ReGifted album cover

Bah & the Humbugs — A Christmas Eve Spooktacular featuring the Tale of Dr. Frankincense

It's aliiiiiive!!! In 2005, Bah & the Humbugs, America's premier satirical Christmas rock band, launched their Christmas Eve podcast. This first podcast featured a brand-new spooky radio play and six coal-in-your stocking Humbugs classics. Subscribe to the podcast: http://www.fjordstone.com/bah/bahcast.rss To subscribe to this podcast, copy the preceding URL and paste it into your podcast software. Direct link for iTunes users. Download the mp3 file of the 2005 podcast directly click here.

ReGifted is a celebration of twenty years of Humbugian cheer. Twelve coal-in-your-stocking classics from the hilarious depths of history.

Bah & the Humbugs had humble beginnings... On a cold December night in 1985, a ragtag group of musicians gathered in a Philadelphia apartment to record their homemade Christmas album. It was meant to be just a joke holiday gift for their friends and family... but it grew into an annual festival featuring music, merrymaking, and mockery of every Christmas cliche. Now, after surviving 20 winters, recording nine albums, darkening stages and television screens, and penning countless new Christmas songs, Bah & the Humbugs are still everybody's favorite coal-in-your-stocking Christmas rock band. This album brings together, for the first time, twelve of their all-time greatest hits.

Read the lyrics to the songs on the CD:

12/25/01
The Elves Are Restless
Christmas Without You
Merry Christmas or Else
Christmas Treason
Cleanup Crew

Holly Danger
Santa Pulled Down My Icicle Lights
Get Me to the Stable on Time
The First Snowflake
The Tao of the Sleigh
Christmas Bar


12/25/01

Nordquist

A little boy was born in a winter night's chill
12/25/01
In an animal shelter on the side of a hill
12/25/01
The parents stayed there out of desperation
Because the inn had screwed up their reservation
It wasn't an ideal situation
It was not their idea of a nice vacation

A bright star appeared in the clear night sky
12/25/01
And it drew the attention of some passersby
12/25/01
The horses and goats had front row seating
Some wise men stopped by to give the parents their greeting
Then some shepherds arrived with their sheep all a-bleating
And sent those wise men quickly retreating

That little boy grew up to be the saviour of earth
12/25/01
But he could never live down the events of his birth
12/25/01
The son of God, the master of all
Was born like an animal out in a stall
It was all in the press
There was no place to hide
There was no way the facts could be changed or denied
So he made the whole story a matter of pride
And the scandal worked itself out on his side

Now everyone wants to be born that way
With animals there, on a pile of hay
And this whole trend got its start on the day
12/25/01

The Elves Are Restless

Wren/Aster

Late at night I hear strange yells
And the jingling of tiny bells
I cover my head with pillows in a heap
But the sounds keep intruding as I try to sleep

The elves are restless
Don't tell me not to worry
The elves are restless
We've got to get away in a hurry

Why does all the talking stop
When I go into the shop?
Then the whispering begins
What's behind those elfin grins?

The elves are restless
Don't tell me not to worry
The elves are restless
We've got to get away in a hurry

The sleigh's okay, it's barely rusted
I think the reindeer can still be trusted
Forget the north pole, look at all of those elves.
Let's get away. Let's save ourselves!

The elves are restless
Don't tell me not to worry
The elves are restless
We've got to get away in a hurry

Christmas Without You

Nordquist

I don't want Santa and his bag
Because Christmas without you is sure to be a drag
I don't want dozens of toys
I'm not like all the little girls and boys

All I want for Christmas is you
All I want for Christmas is you
Yes, you

I don't want peace for humankind
Because there's no peace with you on my mind
I don't want God to exist
That isn't even on my list

All I want for Christmas is you
All I want for Christmas is you
Yes, you
Yes, you

I don't want to see reindeers and a sleigh
Because they remind me that you're still so far away
I don't want dozens of gifts
Don't want to see a lot of Christmas snow drifts

All I want for Christmas is you
All I want for Christmas is you
Yes, you
Yes, you

Merry Christmas or Else

Lehmkuhl

We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
And a happy new year!

Good tiding we bring to you and your kin
Good tidings for Christmas and a happy new year!

Now bring us some figgy pudding
Now bring us some figgy pudding
Now bring us some figgy pudding
And bring it out here

We all like figgy pudding
We all like figgy pudding
We all like figgy pudding
So bring some out here

Good tiding we bring to you and your kin
Good tidings for Christmas and a happy new year!

We won't go until we get some
We won't go until we get some
We won't go until we get some
So bring it out here

Your life will become a living hell
Your life will become a living hell
Your life will become a living hell
Unless you comply

Good tiding we bring to you and your kin
Good tidings for Christmas and a happy new year!

The big guys are making ice balls
The big guys are making ice balls
The big guys are making ice balls
So you better comply

You don't want to lose your windows
You don't want to lose your windows
You don't want to lose your windows
So go get our figgy pudding

Good tiding we bring to you and your kin
Good tidings for Christmas and a happy new year!

You think this is for our health, Mac?
You think this is for our health, Mac?
You think this is for our health? No!
We just want figgy pudding

We care only about one thing
We care only about one thing
We care only about one thing
Getting lots of figgy pudding

We'll just sing until the cops come
We'll just sing until the cops come
We'll just sing until the cops come
Or you bring us figgy pudding

Figgy pudding, figgy pudding
Figgy pudding, figgy pudding
Figgy pudding, figgy pudding
Figgy pudding, figgy pudding...

Christmas Treason

Nordquist

Dancer the reindeer didn't show up this year.
She said, "I'm planning to change my career.
I want to be the first ballerina reindeer.
And if they don't let me join the corps de ballet,
I'll be an actor and star in a play.
Anything's better than pulling a sleigh."

Mean Mr. Claus said, "Guess again, deer.
I'm not releasing your contract this year.
So get your butt moving and strapped to that sleigh,
Or you'll be a Christmas dinner entree.

"You can't leave during Christmas seasaon
Or you'll pay the price for your act of treason.
I don't care if your hooves are freezin' --
You still have to work in the holiday seaaon."

A dancer named Randy tried to quit the ballet.
He said, "I want to help Santa Claus give things away.
That would help the world in a more direct way.
I'm tired of being so egotistic.
I want a job that's more holistic"
The director heard him, and she went ballistic.

She said, "The Nutcracker pays for the art of ballet,
And we have twenty more shows, including three today,
So put on your unitard and stop being a mystic,
Or you'll be a Christmas murder statistic.

"You can't quit during Christmas season
Or you'll pay the price for your act of treason.
I don't care if you've got a good reason.
You still have to stay through Nutcracker seaason."

Randy and Dancer switched places.
They wore rubber masks on their faces.
But Randy just dragged down the sleigh,
And Dancer was not so dept at ballet.

At the New Year's Eve party where they got together,
They both had to agree:
The branches always look greener
On the other side of the Christmas tree.

And guess who else stepped up to agree...
Yes, it was Rudolph and his new buddy,
A fire truck named Red.
The lights are always brighter
On the other side, they said.

And Frosty and his pal
Caspar the friendly ghost
Said you're better off sticking with
The things you do the most.

And Arnold Schwarzenegger
And Scott the Hairy Elf
Said, "If you want to destroy something right You have to do it yourself."

And the moral of the story is,
Even if your boss is a dictator,
Don't quit your job at Christmas time;
You'll just regret it later,
You'll just regret it later.

Cleanup Crew

Lehmkuhl

Lyrics coming soon!

Holly Danger

Nordquist

Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!

Have a cup of steaming cider.
Caution! Contents may be hot
May be hot, very hot, extremely hot
Spilling product on bare skin
Could result in injury
Dipping fingers in hot product
Could result in injury
For best results sip cautiously

Aren't these lovely Christmas cookies
Warning! Fifty grams of fat,
Tons of fat, it's full of fat
Maximum suggested serving:
Three cookies a day
Additional consumption could contribute to obesity
Additional consumption could increase the risk of heart disease
Enjoy in moderation, please

Deck the halls in boughs of holly
Danger! Holly may explode
Explode, explode, it may explode
When combined with gasoline and a source of heat
Don't hang gasoline-soaked holly
All around the fireplace
Don't hang gasoline-soaked holly
Near your festive Christmas lights
If you do, it might ignite

Merry Christmas
Fa la la la la
Merry Christmas
Fa la la la

Santa Pulled Down My Icicle Lights

(Nordquist/Guskin)

Santa pulled down my icicle lights
I'd like to believe it was accidental
But my neighbor Gil says merely the sight
Of green and red icicles
Is enough to make the old guy go mental
He said I shouldn't have bought the ones that blink
That flicker and blink like a windblown candle
That's what drove Santa over the brink
Turned a good elf into a petty vandal

Icicle lights
Bring peace and joy to winter nights
Icicle lights
Make Christmas twice as bright, yeah

Santa pulled down my icicle lights
I still maintain it was just a fluke
But Gil disagrees, his advice
Is that the idea of red and green ice
Would make almost anyone want to puke
He said my other mistake was to make the lights swing
In time to a tune by the jingle cats
No jury would convict him on anything
Santa did after seeing a horror like that

Icicle lights
Bring peace and joy to winter nights
Icicle lights
Make Christmas twice as bright, yeah

I got my red lights
Cupid says throw those things away
I got my green lights
St Patrick says, they don't make my day
Red white and blue lights
Uncle Sam says I want you to take them down
I got my orange lights
The Great Pumpkin says, good grief, I'm leaving town
Everybody loves icicle lights all year round
All year round yeah

I think the wire got caught on the sleigh
It could easily happen to anyone
And they dragged it all with them when they flew away
I'm not pointing a finger at anyone

Icicle lights
Bring peace and joy to winter nights
Icicle lights
Make Christmas twice as bright, yeah

Icicle lights
Bring peace and joy to winter nights
Icicle lights
Make Christmas twice as bright, yeah

Get Me to the Stable on Time

Lehmkuhl

We're out here in the open
and I don't know what I'm hopin'
to see, or what I'm doin' out so late
The camel's kinda lopin'
and I'm still gropin'
for a reason to keep this date
It's just our decision
cause we had a kinda vision
and it might be a collision with fate

So get me to the stable on time
Get me to the stable
I'm ready and willing and able
If you get me to the stable on time

Where are we goin' I don't know
and how will we get there I ain't certain
all I know is we are on our way
We haven't got a map &
so whatever's gonna happen
better make sense of this crazy day
I thought I heard an angel
(Spendin' time out on the range'll
do that to ya) and the angel seemed to say

That I should get me to the stable on time
Get me to the stable
You can drag me with a cable
Just get me to the stable on time

We are the three amigos
and everyone we see goes
"Hey! There's Melchior and Kaspar and Balthazar!"
We try to look impressive
but the mileage is excessive
and we still don't know how far we are
It's another point to ponder
as we wander over yonder
following yonder star

So get me to the stable on time
Get me to the stable
You may say that it's a fable
But get me to the stable on time

Convey me to the stable
Relay me to the stable
Defray me to the stable
Get me to the stable on time

By January First
we thought we'd seen the worst
But by the Third it was getting absurd
If we'd just turned north
we could've made it by the Fourth
But it was two more days before we got through all the
haze
And then came Epiphany!...

"Since you're 12 days old,
here's some frankincense and gold
and myrhh to make sure our benedictions stick,
By the way, we're not late
cause we targeted the date
and got here to the stable in the nick
of time."

Got here to the stable on time
Got here to the stable
Stickin' to the time-table
Is how we got to the stable on time

Conveyed me to the stable
Relayed me to the stable
Flayed me to the stable
Got me to the stable on time

Spurred me to the stable
Transferred me to the stable
Bestirred me to the stable
Got me to the stable on time

Rushed me to the stable
Mushed me to the stable
Flushed me to the stable
Got me to the stable on time

Got me to the stable
Brought me to the stable
God wrought me to the stable
Got me to the stable on time

Sent me to the stable
Lent me to the stable
Orient me to the stable
Got me to the stable on time

Propelled me to the stable
Pell-melled me to the stable
First-Noelled me to the stable
Got me to the stable on time

The First Snowflake

Nordquist/Aster

There's a man who says he knows the future
And he paints a picture all in shades of white
There's a chill in the air, and the clouds are getting thicker
And everyone is staying home tonight

Now we're waiting, standing at the window
Gazing at the streetlights of the town
'cause the only thing that's missing is the snow
And that moment when the first snowflake comes down

You know, the first snowflake has a special power
'Cause it brings along a trillion more, they say
It coats the trees and gets deeper by the hour
And then Christmas can't be very far away

Now we're waiting, standing at the window
Gazing at the streetlights of the town
'cause the only thing that's missing is the snow
And that moment when the first snowflake comes down

The earth is a snowball
And every day it turns around again
And every year we end up here
When fall gives way to winter

And we're waiting, standing at the window
Gazing at the streetlights of the town
'cause the only thing that's missing is the snow
And that moment when the first snowflake

Yeah, we're waiting, standing at the window
Gazing at the streetlights of the town
'cause the only thing that's missing is the snow
And we're waiting 'til that first snowflake comes down

The Tao of the Sleigh

Nordquist/Guskin

ROGER: Santa, I have to make a confession.
I never imagined that I might lose.
I don't know a damn thing about delivering presents.
I'm only good at delivering booze,
Delivering booze,
I'm only good at delivering booze.

SANTA: Don't worry, Captain. It's really quite simple.
We have magic to make your pirate ship fly.
And we just built a high-tech gift-tracking system
It'll tell you who gets what, where, and why

If any part of the system goes wonky
Use the hotline to call my tech support elves.
But it's so foolproof and so automatic
The gifts will almost deliver themselves,
Deliver themselves,
The gifts will almost deliver themselves.

ROGER: It's not just getting there, it's the way that you do it.
That je ne sais quoi, that Santa Claus style.
SANTA: You'll do fine. You'll be great! There's nothing to it.
Just remember to twinkle and smile!

First you glide down the chimney...
ROGER: What if there's no chimney?
SANTA: If there's no chimney, a window will do.
Then find the tray of cookies...
ROGER: But I don't like cookies!
SANTA: You don't have to eat them, you just take a few.

Put gifts in the stockings, and under the tree.
Glide back up the chimney, put on a good show.
And if anyone sees you, there's no need to panic.
Just say these three words: "Ho, ho, ho"
That's the key to it all, the "Ho, ho, ho."

ROGER: Arr arr arrrr.
SANTA: Ho, ho, ho!
ROGER: Arr arr arrrr.
SANTA: That's not quite it. Now repeat after me. Ho...
ROGER: Ho.
SANTA: Ho.
ROGER: Ho.
SANTA: Ho.
ROGER: Arrrrr.
SANTA: Close enough.
Off you go!

From now on we'll call you "the Christmas Pirate."
Children will love you! You'll be terrific!
ROGER: But all those damn cookies, what do I do with them?
SANTA: I usually dump 'em in the North Pacific
When nobody's looking.
Just toss the whole bunch in the North Pacific.

ROGER: Guess I'm ready to go make good on our wager.
I just hope I don't make a fool of myself.
SANTA: If you do, don't sweat it, 'cause no one will blame you.
You know who they'll blame: the jolly old elf.
ROGER: The jolly old elf
SANTA & ROGER: If we crash and burn, we'll just blame the jolly old elf!

Christmas Bar

Lehmkuhl

Shortest day of the year
Now the darkest night is here
The perfect place to be
With the loser that drives the moving van
And the burnt-out excuse for a business man
Chuggin' down more here than he's allowed at home

Santa's waitin' for the cops
The skinhead ripped him off
Stole the whole bag of toys
Now he's sittin' here in the dyin' light
Drowning his failure in whiskey and rye
Wonderin' if there's any point now to going home

Oh come and join us at the Christmas Bar
Just follow the neon star
Sometimes feels like there's big, fake, stupid
Joy wherever you are
But not at the Christmas Bar.

Dead smoke fills the air
But nobody seems to care
Cheap tinsel on a tiny tree
that used to light up and turn about
But the leak in the roof went 'n' shorted it out
Now we've all forgot the words to There's No Place Like Home

Oh come and join us at the Christmas Bar
Just follow the neon star
Sometimes seems like there's big, fake, stupid
Joy wherever you are
Well it ain't at the Christmas Bar.

Guess it's wet enough for snow
But it's just above freezin', not below
Why do we stay? I don't know
It gets to me, I won't try to lie
The empties make me wanna cry
Every time I think about gettin' up and goin' ho... ho... ho...
(Hey Nicky, why dontcha bring me another one of those 'presents...)
I drunk this one dry

Oh come and join us at the Christmas Bar
Just follow the neon star
And if it seems like there's big, fake, stupid
Joy wherever you are
Come and try the Christmas Bar.


Stealing the Nativity

Lehmkuhl

Download the mp3 file

They've stolen away the tiny infant from the stable
And the Blessed Virgin too - it's something close to treason
Whoever they are, they're fundamentally unable
To understand the one true reason for the season

It started with all that disrespect for old traditions
The common disbelief of younger generations
Now it's all gone beyond the pale, and people who oughta be in jail
Are making fun with all their alternate celebrations

Well not everyone can have the First Noel — so now they're

Stealing the Nativity
They're running away with our holy Manger Scene
(I mean)
If we don't do something about it
All a sudden gonna be without
our Happy Holiday
our Happy Holiday

They got the three kings, the star of wonder and the shepherds
They don't care to leave behind any reason or any rhyme
Is it pranks? Thanks... but no thanks
This theft is nothing less than the crime of all time
It's straight-out Stealing (Stealing) ((Stealing)) (((Stealing))

Born of the Virgin
(Krishna, Mithras, Perseus)
Placed in a Manger
(Horus, Dionysus)
Wise Men,Shepherds, Angels
(Osiris, Krishna)
Born December 25th
(Mithras, Horus, Bacchus)
Holy Resurrection
(Adonis, Attis, Horus, Mithras, Vishnu, Tammuz, Bacchus, Zoroaster...)

This time of the year, they keep on grabbing for our Glory
They're acting in bad faith - how can we compete with them, compete with them?
To win over everyone, they cribbed our sweetest story
They picked the pieces up and moved the whole thing to Bethlehem

Took the babe in a manger, put him in the little town of Bethlehem

And that's stealing the Nativity
They're stealing
more than a Manger Scene
(I mean)
If we don't do something about it
Pretty soon they'll wipe out
our Happy Holiday
our Happy Holiday