IF YOU PREFER TO PAY BY CHECK: Send a check for $12.00 US, payable to Fjordstone Inc., to the address below: Bah & the Humbugs 12 SYMPTOMS Fjordstone Inc. 49 Bryan Avenue Malvern, PA 19355 UNITED STATES

This CD includes an actual, hard copy of a music CD, with the usual great Bah & the Humbugs cover art, suitable for putting in your CD rack right next to all of your other Bah & the Humbugs CDs. It contains all of the songs listed below, but not the scenes from the 2007 podcast. And, in keeping with the Humbugs' tradition, we will donate all proceeds from the sale of this album, except shipping costs of $2.00 per CD, to the United Nations World Food Programme (www.wfp.org).

Track List

1. The One-Minute Manger (Lehmkuhl) 1:02
2. My Psychic Reindeer (Nordquist) 3:57
3. Christmas in April (Hollinger) 3:34
4. No Smoking in the Chimney (Lehmkuhl) 2:32
5. Christmas List (Wren/Nordquist) 3:27
6. E Equals Merry Christmas Squared (Nordquist) 5:14
7. Snow Day (Lehmkuhl) 3:47
8. All I Want for Christmas is a Brand New Starship (Nordquist/Guskin/Aster) 4:29
9. The Man with the Sack of Toys (Aster/traditional) 4:17
10. There's a Star (Nordquist/Lehmkuhl) 4:06
11. Toy of the Year (Patanella) 5:37
12. All Twelve Days (Nordquist) 6:46

¹Bah, Humbugs, et al. (2007). "The 12 Symptoms of Christmas." Journal of Holiday Disease Science 12(25): 01.

Credits

Written, performed, and produced by Bah & the Humbugs:

Rick Aster / vocals, percussion, electric guitar
Amy Guskin / vocals, acoustic guitar, electric guitar, percussion
Michael Hollinger / vocals, acoustic guitar, fiddle, piano
Vance Lehmkuhl / vocals, keyboards
Paul Nordquist / vocals, keyboards, bass guitar
Paul V. Patanella / vocals, keyboard, trombone
Gayden Wren / vocals
additional vocals: Skyler Lehmkuhl

produced by Bah & the Humbugs
cover design: Amy Guskin
℗ © 2007 Bah & the Humbugs
All Rights Reserved

1. The One-Minute Manger
lead vocals: Vance Lehmkuhl, Paul Patanella

2. My Psychic Reindeer
lead vocals: Paul Nordquist
reindeer psychic: Amy Guskin

3. Christmas in April
lead vocals: Michael Hollinger

4. No Smoking in the Chimney
lead vocals: Vance Lehmkuhl

5. Christmas List
lead vocals: Gayden Wren

6. E Equals Merry Christmas Squared
lead vocals: Amy Guskin
Heisenberg: Paul Patanella
Bohr: Paul Nordquist

7. Snow Day
lead vocals: Vance Lehmkuhl
students: Vance Lehmkuhl, Paul Patanella

8. All I Want for Christmas is a Brand New Starship
Harry Potter geek: Michael Hollinger
Babylon 5 geek: Amy Guskin
Lord of the Rings geek: Rick Aster
Hitchhiker's Guide geek: Vance Lehmkuhl
Astronomy geek: Gayden Wren
Romulan geek: Paul Nordquist
Law of Robotics geek: Paul Patanella

9. The Man with the Sack of Toys
lead vocals: Rick Aster

10. There's a Star
lead vocals: Amy Guskin

11. Toy of the Year
lead vocals: Paul Patanella
Santa Claus: Michael Hollinger
Sally: Amy Guskin

12. All Twelve Days
lead vocals: Paul Nordquist
Santa: Paul Patanella

Lyrics

Lehmkuhl

So,
Herod had issued an
order that everyone
had to be back in their
primary city or
town for a census, so
Joseph and Mary were
going along toward Nazareth

And Mary was pregnant, but
not so by Joseph, and
Mary had had to ex-
plain how an angel had
come and there’d been all this
music and now she’s ex-
pected to carry this
baby, and so they had

come into Bethlehem
early one evening and
found no more room at the
inn, but the guy said a
stable had room they could
stay at if they didn’t
mind sleeping there with the
animals.

It wasn’t too long after
they’d bedded down for the
night that she went into
labor, miraculous-
ly the whole process, be-
ginning to end, only
lasted one minute and
out came the son of God,

laid in a manger and
then there was all this re-
joicing and out keeping
watch over flocks by night
shepherds, they saw this big
star and then so did the
three kings of Orient
are and they followed it

over the hills and were
there at the stable in
lit’raly minutes and
right about then both the
cows started lowing and
jesus woke up and the
kings had these gifts and the
shepherd had sheep and some

kid had a drum and be-
fore you could say Jackie
Robinson Mary just
had them all clear the hell
out of there so she could
finally get some sleep!

And that’s how they say that it
happened, the son of God
born in a manger in Bethlehem

Nordquist

I needed a friend, someone to call,
Because life was driving me up the wall.
I found a new way to get some advice,
And I didn’t have to trudge through the snow and ice.

My psychic reindeer says,
“The holidays are always so hard for you.”
And my psychic reindeer says,
“Red is not your best color!
Try something new!”
Oh oh oh oh oh,
My psychic reindeer says,
Oh oh oh oh oh.

So my jaw goes dropping down to the floor.
What can I say except “Tell me more”?
“I’m so amazed by the things that you see.
It’s like you know me personally!

My psychic reindeer says,
“Your wife is fooling around with another elf.”
And my psychic reindeer says,
“You’ve been giving too much!
It’s time to think of yourself.”
Oh oh oh oh oh,
My psychic reindeer says,
Oh oh oh oh oh.

This just in! Message coming through
Direct from the spirits—and just for you!

My psychic reindeer says,
“Jimmy from Tulsa wants The Lord of the Rings.”
And my psychic reindeer says,
“You focus too much on material things.”
And my psychic reindeer says,
“You’re too judgmental—give people a break.”
And my psychic reindeer says,
“If you wanna get off the ground you’d better lose some weight!”
Oh oh oh oh oh,
My psychic reindeer says,
Oh oh oh oh oh,
My psychic reindeer says,
Oh oh oh oh oh. . .

Hollinger

When I was a boy, my kid brother
Got sicker than get-out one spring,
And then came the answer
That he’d got the cancer.
The doctors could not do a thing.

So Mama began hanging tinsel,
And when we asked why, she would say,
“We’re gonna have Christmas in April,
‘Cause Billy won’t make it past May.”

Well, Bill, he made out like a bandit,
With presents piled high on each side:
A skateboard, a scooter,
A silver six-shooter,
And a sled we knew he’d never ride.

The rest of our stockings were empty,
But none of us minded that day.
We were just having Christmas in April,
‘Cause Bill wouldn’t make it past May.

My brother survived ‘til the summer,
So we bumped up his birthday to June,
And the gifts that they got him
For Easter that autumn
Were even bigger since he’d be gone soon.

But Billy held out for December,
Which prompted our mother to say,
“Since we all had Christmas in April,
I guess this one’s Valentine’s Day.”

Now, Bill, he turned forty last weekend,
Though he’s averaged three birthdays a year.
And it may sound petty,
But I reckon I’m ready
To suggest that that boy’s in the clear.

Still, all families have their traditions,
So I guess that ours is okay,
We’ll keep having Christmas in April
and August, September, whenever,
‘til Bill finally passes away.

Lehmkuhl

No Smoking
No Smoking
No Smoking

You bust in here all unannounced
Now you’re in someone else’s house
But you carelessly track snow indoors
Leave your black boot marks on the floor
We’ve put up with this routine
Doing our part for the Red and Green
But there’s one thing we can’t abide
So once you get inside

No Smoking
No Smoking
No Smoking in the chimney
We can call the cops and we’re not joking
Step a foot in our house,
No Smoking

Around your head just like a wreath
It clogs your pores and stains your teeth
Kids are dreaming of sugar plums
Second-hand smoke will rot their gums
Johnny wants a pair of skates
Not a trip to the pearly gates
Better pack your bag and run
Or we'll call 9-1-1

No Smoking
No Smoking

Take that pipe outside
Wait till you’re on your ride
Take that pipe outside now

In court you’ll be tried
And if convicted, swiftly fried
Take that pipe outside now

No Smoking
No Smoking
No Smoking in the chimney
We don’t want to be wracked with choking
Step a foot in our house,
No Smoking

No Smoking
No Smoking
No Smoking in the chimney
It’s a civil right that we’re invoking
Step a foot in our house,
No Smoking

No SmokingTake that pipe outside
No SmokingWait till you’re on your ride
No Smoking in the chimneyTake that pipe outside now

Wren/Nordquist

This year, my friends, I have one thing to say:
Don’t give me lots of presents Christmas Day.
I don’t have any need for Gucci bags
or gift subscriptions to my favorite mags;
don’t order me the latest DVD,
don’t get me a high-tech HD TV.
That’s not the Christmas I am dreaming of,
I just want a house that’s filled with… cash!

Cash cash cash, money money money,
that’s what I want for Christmas and I’m not just being funny.
Don’t send me pretty Christmas cards, I throw them in the trash
I don’t have time to waste on anything that isn’t cash!
(Cash!) Cash! (Cash!)
I don’t have time to waste on anything that isn’t cash!

Cash cash cash, bread bread bread,
Don’t send me gift certificates, just send the cash instead.
I’ve sold my Christmas tree, I’ve sold the wreath right off the door,
I have a lot of money, but there’s always room for more!
(More!) More! (More!)
I have a lot of money, but there’s always room for more!

Cash cash cash, green green green,
Pile it up in stacks so high I barely can be seen.
Who gives a darn on Christmas if it does or doesn’t snow?
The only thing that matters is if I get lots of dough!
(Dough!) Dough! (Dough!)
The only thing that matters is if I get lots of dough!

Cash cash cash, bucks bucks bucks,
A Christmas minus money is a holiday that sucks.
If you send me presents I’ll just vanish in a flash,
run to the mall, return them all and come back with the cash!

Cash cash cash, loot loot loot,
Some people think I’m greedy, but I just don’t give a hoot.
I don’t want checks or money orders needing to be cashed,
only liquid currency that’s ready to be stashed!

Cash cash cash, dough dough dough,
I’ve got a lot already, but I want more even so.
I dive in it, I roll in it, I use it as a bed,
I love to toss it up and let it hit me in the head!
Hit me! Hit me! Hit me with some cash!

Cash cash cash, cash cash cash,
This time of year let’s make it clear: it all comes down to cash!

Nordquist

I sat up late on Christmas Eve
With a pile of journal articles,
For I had vowed to understand
The world of waves and particles.

I tried so hard to stay awake.
I fought back every ya-a-awn.
Then my reverie was shattered
By a racket on the lawn,
By a racket on the lawn.

Now who is that on such a night?
I stirred with curiosity.
Eight quantum elves had just touched down
At a fairly high velocity,

And then I saw a white-haired man
With a banjo and a pick,
And I knew in 0.12 seconds
That it could not be Saint Nick,
This was no Saint Nick,

‘Cause they were singing
“E equals Merry Christmas Christmas,
E equals Merry Christmas squared.
E equals Merry Christmas Christmas,
E equals Merry Christmas squared.
The mass of X has been calculated,
Peer-reviewed, and celebrated.
E equals Merry Christmas Christmas,
E equals Merry Christmas squared.”

By charge and spin! It’s Albert Einstein,
Father of Relativity!
He said “Forget about that! I’m here to announce
My Theory of General Festivity.

“My latest stroke of genius is this
Finely wrought equation:
A happy life is one that’s filled
With joyous celebration,
With joyous celebration.

“Sing with me:
“E equals Merry Christmas Christmas,
E equals Merry Christmas squared.
E equals Merry Christmas Christmas,
E equals Merry Christmas squared.
If C is the speed of Christmas lights,
X is the mass of snowy nights.
E equals Merry Christmas Christmas,
E equals Merry Christmas squared.”

Then Heisenberg and Bohr rushed in.
“Don’t mind him. Albert is a mental case.
He’s been wrapping gifts with superstrings,
Those tiny 12-dimensional things
That weave through time and space.”
Bohr yelled, “Three to beam up,”
And in a flash they all were gone,
But their song, that strangely disturbing song
Somehow echoed on and on
They were gone, but it echoed on,

E equals Merry Christmas Christmas,
E equals Merry Christmas squared.
E equals Merry Christmas Christmas,
E equals Merry Christmas squared.

E equals Merry Christmas Christmas,
E equals Merry Christmas squared.
E equals Merry Christmas Christmas,
E equals Merry Christmas squared.
If C is the speed of Christmas lights,
X is the mass of snowy nights.
E equals Merry Christmas Christmas,
Merry Christmas Christmas!

E equals Merry Christmas Christmas,
E equals Merry Christmas squared.
E equals Merry Christmas Christmas,
E equals Merry Christmas squared.
If C is the speed of Christmas lights,
X is the mass of snowy nights.
E equals Merry Christmas Christmas,
Merry Christmas Christmas!

E equals Merry Christmas Christmas,
E equals Merry Christmas squared.
E equals Merry Christmas Christmas,
E equals Merry Christmas squared.
If C is the speed of Christmas lights,
X is the mass of snowy nights.
E equals Merry Christmas Christmas,
E equals Merry Christmas squared.

Lehmkuhl

You know the man has got a plan
to keep us all in line
We go to school and act the fool
and that suits him just fine
But there's a storm a brewin',
don't care what you say
It's raw and it's real
and it's comin' this way
There's gonna be hell to pay
When we get a

Snow Day
A victory for the weather
Snow Day
Here's hoping it lasts forever
Snow Day
So school can reopen nevermore
(That's what's in store)

Out in the snow you're free to go
Far as the eye can see
No more in line, no more confined
wandering wild and free, see
No heads on desks — you can run
and roam far and wide
Forget the rule about
doing unto others
You do as you druther
Cause Nature is a Mother
and this is one mother that's
on our side
with a

Snow Day
The triumph of large air masses
Snow Day
They'll soon have to cancel classes
Snow Day
And let all the lads and lasses go
(All because of snow)

Teen1: Dude, what are you already celebrating for? It's still up to The Man whether to call a snow day. Maybe it won't snow that much.
Teen2: Aw, crap — come on, it's gotta be! Come on, man — even I will be good if we get that snow!

It's snowing!
Oh, it's really more raining now.
But it's freezing rain!
Now it's sleet. Now snow! More rain.

More rain.
More sleet.
More rain.
More sleet.
More rain.
More snow.
More rain.
More sleet.
More snow.
More snow.
More snow!
More snow!!

— AND PS 23 CLASSES ARE CANCELLED FOR TODAY CAUSE IT'S A —

Snow Day
A victory for the weather
Snow Day
Here's hoping it lasts forever
Snow Day
So school can reopen nevermore

Snow Day
A victory for the weather
Snow Day
Here's hoping it lasts forever
Snow Day
So school can reopen nevermore

Nordquist/Guskin/Aster

If you’re shopping for me, skip the Saurian brandy
And please, no more of that Bertie Bott’s candy
No gingerbread house, even if it’s haunted,
And kryptonite jewelry is super-unwanted

All I want for Christmas is a brand new starship
A brand new starship, a starship
If you see Santa, give him this tip
All he has to get me is a brand new starship

I own mass quantities of shrink-ray pistols
Excalibur swords, and dilithium crystals
And don’t even think of Narns-and-Noble-dot-com
I have two dozen copies of the Book of G’quan

All I want for Christmas is a brand new starship
A brand new starship, a starship
I want it checked out and certified by engineer Tripp
All I want for Christmas is a brand new starship

Please skip the magic rings, ‘cause that’s a big no-no
Look how it worked out for Bilbo and Frodo!
And get this thought through your prosthetic forehead
I don’t need one more photonic warhead

All I want for Christmas is a brand new starship
A brand new starship, a starship
I want one that doesn’t leak, that doesn’t even drip
All I want for Christmas is a brand new starship

Get me off of this little blue sphere
There’s no intelligent life down here
These gifts get more inane and useless every year!

Last year’s Christmas was a big disaster.
I drank the whole pangalactic gargle blaster.
You say you’re my friend, so I’d think that you know
I can’t use an acre of land on Pluto.
That cloaking device was a bit too clever:
I pressed one button, and it vanished forever.
And those house cleaning robots didn’t thrill me;
They polished all the floors, then they tried to kill me.

All I want for Christmas is a brand new starship
A brand new starship, a starship
Your planet-crushing Death Star is old and unhip
All I want for Christmas is a brand new starship

All I want for Christmas is a brand new starship
A brand new starship, a starship
If you see Santa, give him this tip
All he has to get me is a brand new starship

All I want for Christmas is a brand new starship
A brand new starship, a starship
It better not leak, yeah, it better not drip
I don’t want any problems with my brand new starship

Aster

There is a man on Christmas Eve whose sack is full of toys.
He's brought them this way for many a year and day to good little girls and boys.

My mother was his tailor. She sewed his suit of wool
And a scarf and cap to keep him warm down at the North Pole.

I woke one night and went about, not making any noise,
And I saw him there in the starlight, the man with the sack of toys.

I followed and I tracked him. To seek toys was my goal.
I found him and his empty sack down at the North Pole.

He laughed out loud to see me and patted me on the head.
He fed me milk and cookies and sent me back to bed.

I told my baby sister not to try what I have tried,
Went all the way to the North Pole, came home unsatisfied.

There is a man on Christmas Eve whose sack is full of toys.
He's brought them this way for many a year and day to good little girls and boys.

Nordquist/Lehmkuhl

There’s a star

There’s a star
At the top
Of the tree

There’s a star
At the top
Of the tree
On the roof
Of the car
Through the wall
Of the house
In the way
Of the car

There’s a star

There’s a star
At the top
Of the tree
On the roof
Of the car
Through the wall
Of the house
By the road
To the dump

There’s a star

Patanella

"Attention, Toy Mart shoppers, we have a red-and-green light special here in aisle 43. We're unpacking a limited supply of this year's hot new toy — that's right, the one that everybody has been looking for. We've got the...uh, hey, wait a minute. Hey, hey slow down..."

Every Christmas season, just about this time,
There’s one toy every kid demands to appear—
Like the “Tickle Me Ninjas” or the “Furbymagotchi”
Or whatever thing is hot this year.
I go to Wal-Mart, K Mart, Toy Mart, Kid Mart,
They run out just as I run in—
I don’t know how it is that every kid wants the same thing;
Gotta find one just to save my skin.

The other day I took a break from hunting around,
To take the kids out to see Santa Claus.
He shows up here at every single shopping mall—
I don’t know how he gets around, but he does.
As the kids went to tell him what they wanted for Christmas
I grabbed a seat right next to his throne,
And what I heard there really boggled my mind
And really deep-freeze chilled me to the bone.

My little girl Sally said, “Santa, this year
I want a pony and a doll and a pen”
But Santa said “Ho, Ho, No, little girl, you want an X Station Playbox 10!”
And that’s how it went with the next twenty children
And the next twenty children as well—
When one little boy tried to stick to his wish,
Santa told him he’d be going straight to bed with no toys.

Next day I was at a different mall—
I heard the same thing all over again!
And on a break I noticed Santa talking in whispers
To a huddled group of businessmen.
As I walked close by, one of them dropped a card,
And I bent down and slipped it into my palm,
On the front was an “S”, and on the back it said simply:
“santas-toy-of-the-year.com”

Well I ran home, got online, typed the URL in
And it took me to a passworded site.
I took a blind guess and I typed in “blitzen”,
And it let me straight through all right.
I got to a page that looked a little like eBay,
What I saw there made me cry:
Santa’s selling his endorsement to the highest bidder,
Then he tells the kids to tell their parents what to buy!

Oh, Santa, Santa, what’s going on here?
I know this can’t be for real.
You’re selling out kids for the highest bid—
Well, I just don’t know what to feel
It’s not nice to see you being so naughty,
And it’s ruining my holiday cheer, knowing that you’re
Talking all the little girls and boys into wanting
Santa Claus’s Toy of the Year.

Well, I told two friends, and they told two friends,
And within a week it hit the front page.
People wrote in from every corner of the world
To voice their fury and their anger and their rage.
I don’t know which part made them all madder,
And counted more for all of the noise:
That Santa Claus was going ‘round exploiting their children,
Or that they’d been suckered into buying toys.

Oh, Santa, Santa, what went wrong?
What made you sell your soul?
I hear the elves are beside themselves,
And they’re fixing you a stocking full of coal.
It’s not nice to see you being so naughty,
And it’s ruining their holiday cheer, knowing that you’re
Talking all the little girls and boys into wanting
Santa Claus’s Toy of the Year.

Oh, Santa, Santa, how could you do it?
Did the deal just seem too sweet?
When they told Mrs. Claus, it gave her pause,
And now I hear she’s thrown you out in the street.
It’s not nice to see you being so naughty,
And it’s ruining her holiday cheer, knowing that you’re
Talking all the little girls and boys into wanting
Santa Claus’s Toy of the Year.

The government soon opened an investigation,
And handed out indictments all around.
Santa managed to elude them for a few more weeks,
But then on Christmas Eve they ran him to ground.
Now I hear that Mrs. Claus will pilot the sleigh,
And all the toys will come direct from the elves—
(I always wondered why, if Santa Claus is real,
we had to wait in line and buy them ourselves!)

Oh, Santa, Santa, why did you do it?
Was it really worth all of the strife?
The whole year through we looked up to you,
And now you’re headed to the slammer for life.
All those years we scrambled and battled,
And you filled all our hearts with fear—
Worrying that this would be the time we wouldn’t manage to track down one of
Santa Claus’s Toys of the Year.

Oh, Santa, Santa, the game is all over.
Now you're jingling prison bells.
But from this mess we’ve learned a valuable lesson:
Just how easily Christmas sells!
So I asked myself, is it wrong to give children
The guidance that they seek?
Now I'm taking bids at my brand new web site
Santa Claus's Toy of the Week!

Nordquist

Two thousand years of Jesus,
and the world’s gone straight to hell!
People won’t say “Merry Christmas,”
it’s just “Have a Nice Noel,”
and Hanukkah, and New Years Day, and pagan Yule as well!
It’s time to stand up for celebrating Christmas!

When Mary gave us Jesus,
in that goat-infested manger,
Did she rush back to work next day
as a temple money-changer?
Hell, no! She stayed right there
and greeted every king and stranger
for twelve long, grueling days!

All twelve days
All twelve days
She did all twelve days of Christmas

All twelve days
All twelve days
And we need all twelve days of Christmas

You know the song I’m talking 'bout,
with “twelve drummers drumming.”
One day goes by, you’re back at work!
The fish tank needs de-scumming.
Now you’re down ten points,
You’re in the red for Jesus’ second coming,
‘Cause you blew off the twelve days of Christmas!

All twelve days
All twelve days
Let’s do all twelve days of Christmas

All twelve days
All twelve days
We need all twelve days of Christmas
Take a stand
And demand
Twelve full days!

No more excuses, 12 days of Christmas
No more excuses, 12 days of Christmas
No more excuses, 12 days of Christmas
No more excuses, 12 days of Christmas

If you’re in tight with Jesus,
then you’ll rally to this cause,
But even godless heathens
will support this change in laws,
‘Cause everyone gets more days off
(except for Santa Claus!)

Ho, ho, ho! Don’t worry about me! And vote Yes on Prop 12!

All twelve days
All twelve days
Give us all twelve days of Christmas

All twelve days
All twelve days
We need all twelve days of Christmas

All twelve days (we need ‘em!)
All twelve days (of freedom!)
All twelve days of Christmas

All twelve days (observe ‘em!)
All twelve days (we deserve ‘em!)
All twelve days of Christmas

All twelve days (God planned ‘em!)
All twelve days (demand ‘em!)
All twelve days of Christmas

All twelve days (support ‘em!)
All twelve days (don’t short ‘em!)
All twelve days of Christmas
. . .

No more excuses
Twelve days of Christmas
No more excuses
Twelve days of Christmas
Twelve drummers drumming
Eleven pipers piping
Ten lords a-leaping
Nine ladies dancing
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five phones a-ringing
Four birds a-calling
Three hens a-frenching
Two turtles dubbing
One Andy Partridge
No more excuses
Twelve days of Christmas…

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