2009

It's Gonna Be A Big, Big Christmas

The News | The Songs

Bah & the Humbugs didn't release an album for 2009, but the band posted four new songs for fans to download.

Mr. Big Christmas
Cease & Desist
No Free Lunch
Titanic Tannenbaum

Nordquist

Listen and download the mp3

Santa Claus is on my list
Of favorite famous friends who don’t exist
(in spite of all his advertisin’)

He’s on my speed dial just in case
But I’m fairly sure that call would go to waste
(and I’d still have to pay Verizon)

So who’s that on my rooftop?
Have the squirrels been taking steroids?
Could it be the Rooftop Strangler?
Oh, if Drop Dead Fred were here he’d say “Chill out! You’re being paranoid!”

It’s gonna be a big (Big Christmas)
Big Christmas (Big Christmas)
It’s bigger than ever
With twice as much weather
It’s a big (Big Christmas)
Big Christmas (Big Christmas)
Took years to create it
And you can’t deflate it
With your small-thinking, microbrew, bean-counting, scaredy-cat business
It’s gotta be a big, big Christmas

This town was built on shares of stock
The town fell down and left us all in shock
(a wolf just repossessed the door)

So who’s that on my rooftop
Like a plague of Scottish dancers?
Did a flash mob pick my numbers?
Oh, if Right Said Fred were here they’d be too sexy for this anecdote

It’s gonna be a big (Big Christmas)
Big Christmas (Big Christmas)
It’s bigger than Elvis
With maximum pelvis
It’s a big (Big Christmas)
Big Christmas (Big Christmas)
It’s got a big middle
That you can’t belittle
With your slim-down, cut-and-run, lentil-soup, skinny-boy fitness
It’s gotta be a big, big, big, big—woo!
Big Christmas!
Big, big, big, big—woo!
Big Christmas!
It’s got a big finish
That you can’t diminish
With your small-time, small-town, downsized, nanoscale business
It’s gotta be a big, big, big, big, big, big, big!

Guskin/Nordquist

Listen and download the mp3

A baby seal and a polar bear cub
Engaged in a friendly tug-of-war
The very last bottle of ice cold Coke
Was the prize that they were fighting for

An actor playing the jolly old elf
Produced a whole case, and they celebrated
When what to their wondering eyes should appear
Attorneys from Santa Claus Incorporated!

“We don’t mean to come off as stingy;
But your portrayal is a little infringey.”

“Cease and desist,
Cease and desist,
You can’t use Santa’s likeness if you’re not on his list
Of approved licensees
Who’ve paid all their fees
So cease and desist if you please!”

The misfit toys told their tales of woe
To Rudolph, the reindeer with nose so red
A moment later, right on cue
Puppet Saint Nick appeared on his sled

He bent his elfin ear in sympathy
To the cast-off toys no child could love
Then he called to his team, “On Dasher, on Dancer!”
That's when the suit threw down his glove

“We're collectively touched by your story arc,
But you don’t have permission to use our trademark.”

“Cease and desist,
Cease and desist,
You can’t use Santa’s likeness if you’re not on his list
Of approved licensees
Who’ve paid all their fees
So cease and desist if you please!”

The street-corner Santa was ringing his bell
Passersby threw in their dough
The picture of generosity;
He stood all day in the driving snow

As he opened his mouth and drew in a breath
About to deliver his “Ho, ho, ho!”
Eight tiny lawyers appeared on the scene
And cautioned him firmly, “No, no, no!”

“It looks like you’ve got change to spare;
We’ve come to collect our contractual share.”

“Cease and desist,
Cease and desist,
You can’t use Santa’s likeness if you’re not on his list
Of approved licensees
Who’ve paid all their fees
So cease and desist if you please!”

Aster / Wren / Nordquist / Guskin

Listen and download the mp3

A man and a woman on a camelback ride
Slowly heading off to Bethlehem
A man and a woman with a baby inside
And there's nothing fancy or proud about them
They're simply on the lookout
For something to eat
But everywhere they stop
The people there repeat

There is no free lunch
No free lunch
If you want these bananas
It will cost you a bunch
Nothing is free
Not even sugar-free tea
But wherever you look
There is no free lunch

A man and a woman on a night so deep
Find the city lights of Bethlehem
A man and a woman wonder where they can sleep
Isn’t there any place left here for them?
They check around town
And they ask at every inn
But everywhere they knock
The answer's always been

There is no free bed
No free bed
You'll have to sleep
In the manger instead
It was voted Best Manger
In the Galilee Bee
But wherever you look
There is no free bed

Oh, you don't always get what you wanted
And you don't always like what you get
But wake up in the morning
A better day is dawning
And it's a day that you'll never forget

The shepherds and the sheep are asleep in a field
Somewhere in the hills of Bethlehem
Angels appear and say the savior is revealed
And tell all the shepherds to come with them
But when they see the stable
They can't come near
A crowd's already there
And this is what they hear

There are no seats left
No seats left
They came out of the hills
From the east and the west
Three kings paid me in gold
Just to sit in row Z
'Cause wherever they looked
There were no seats left

I said it's SRO
SRO
There is standing room only
To see the big show
You might have to wait in line
Out in the snow
'Cause wherever you look
It is SRO

And there are no seats left/There is no free bed/free lunch
No seats left/No free bed/free lunch
They came out of the hills/You'll have to sleep/If you want these bananas
From the east and the west/In the manger instead/It will cost you a bunch
Three kings paid me in gold
Just to sit in row Z
It was voted Best Manger
In the Galilee Bee
Nothing is free
Not even sugar-free tea
'Cause wherever they looked/But wherever you look
There were/There is
No seats left/No free bed/free lunch

Nordquist

Listen and download the mp3

Trees! Trees! Trees! light up from here to Kwanzaa
But I’ll sell you a tree that makes ‘em all look like bonsai!
It’s genetically altered to grow like a demon
Arboretus Rex of the plant museum

Titanic Tannenbaum
Titanic Tannenbaum

Douglas Fir looks awfully weak and scrawny
One small blip beneath this green tsunami
Your friends can deck their halls like they’re some kind of rock star
But they will stand in awe before your Christmas Death Star

Titanic Tannenbaum
Titanic Tannenbaum
No one has ever seen
This tall an evergreen
Goliath of the Tannenbaums!
Titanic! Titanic! Titanic! Titanic!
Titanic Tannenbaum

If we can send a robot
To plant a flag on Mars
Why can’t we build a Christmas tree
That reaches for the stars?

A tree for all mankind
Of epic scope and scale
It never bends before the wind
It’s much too big to fail

It stands so bright and beautiful
It brings you to your knees
The snowmen and the shepherds kneel
Before the King of Trees

Blazing like a bonfire
Twenty stories tall
Its lights are lit by hydrogen
The brightest flames of all

And the more you learn about it
The more you’ll want to say
“I’ve got the Christmas tree
That’s making history
That’s blowing other trees away!”

Titanic Tannenbaum
Titanic Tannenbaum
Yes, it grows so high
You could rule the sky
The Hindenburg of Tannenbaums
Titanic! Gigantic! Dynamic! Romantic!

Titanic Tannenbaum
Titanic Tannenbaum
No one has ever seen
As huge an evergreen
Atomic bomb of Tannenbaums
Titanic! Gigantic! Volcanic! Don’t panic!
Titanic Tannenbaum

Titanic Tannenbaum, ahh
Titanic Tannenbaum, ah

They plant the tree Titanic
To trail across the sky
Both sides of the Atlantic
It’s climbing very high
It caused a lot of panic
It caused a lot of fear
It brought a Merry Christmas
And a happy happy year

Tree of Trees lights up the earth and heaven

℗ © 2009 Bah & the Humbugs
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