2020

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Christmas 2020   |   Here Comes Skunky Claus   |   Ornamental   |   Pantry Clause   |   Bang the Yule Gong  

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Listen to "Christmas 2020":

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Christmas 2020

(music and lyrics by Paul Nordquist & Amy Guskin)

Well I made a vow at the New Year
To break loose and have fun and make money.
And all of my dreams should come true here,
'Cause I've got a great feeling about 2020!
That was in January...

Things quickly went down in a spiral,
This year that held so much potential.
A contagious infection went viral.
We all learned the meaning of 'exponential.'

Classes are cancelled
Movies are cancelled
Vacations are cancelled
Everything's cancelled

N95
pyrocumulus
cross-species transmission
anosmia
doomscrolling
murder hornets
fire tornados
rapid intensification

Oktoberfest is cancelled
Trick-or-Treat is cancelled
Thanksgiving is cancelled
Everything's cancelled

I'm fed up with new ways of hygiene.
I just want to get back to business.
Then I heard they developed a vaccine,
And Santa will bring us all shots for Christmas!
They're calling it 'The North Poke'

It's been so hard to stay in good humor.
You don't need to check it on Snopes, now.
Don't tell me it's only a rumor.
I need something good on which to pin my hopes, now.

Christmas is coming
Santa is coming
Salvation is coming
'Cause Christmas is coming

Well I don't know what else I expected.
The anchorman says with a shocked frown
That Santa himself is infected.
The elves and the reindeer are all in lockdown.

Christmas is cancelled
Christmas is cancelled
%$#& you, 2020!
'Cause Christmas is cancelled

Mistletoe is cancelled
Jingle bells are cancelled
Figgy pudding is cancelled
'Cause Christmas is cancelled

Gingerbread is cancelled
Shelf elves are cancelled
Reindeer are cancelled
Everything's cancelled

Sleigh rides are cancelled
Wassail is cancelled
Drummer Boy is cancelled
Tinsel is cancelled

King Wenceslas is cancelled
Silent Night is cancelled
Rudolph is cancelled
Frosty is cancelled

Tannenbaum is cancelled
Eggnog is cancelled
Nutcracker is cancelled
Stockings are cancelled

Mrs. Claus is cancelled...

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Listen to "Here Comes Skunky Claus":
 

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Here Comes Skunky Claus

(Nordquist)

Here comes Skunky Claus
Running around on all four paws
With a big white stripe
And a flying sphere
Skunky Claus is here!

Here comes Skunky Claus
Giving out presents just because
With a bright red hat
And a great big sack
Skunky Claus is back!

I used to think St. Nick was coo
But not any more
When Christmas rolls around guess who
I'll be waiting for
(Skunky Claus!)

If you've been good then you will like
The gifts he brings for you
But if you're bad take my advice
Stay out of your house for a week or two
(Phew!)

Here comes Skunky Claus
Bringing more luck than monkey paws
With a wo-wo-wo and a hey-hey-hey
Skunky's on his way!

With his big white stripe and his flying sphere
Skunky Claus is here!

If you remember one thing that I've said all year
Skunky Claus is here!

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Listen to "Ornamental":
 

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Ornamental

(music and lyrics by Amy Guskin & Paul Nordquist)

Christmas will be somewhat different this year
I've faced this unfortunate fact
I won't see my loved ones — they can't make the trip
So the holiday has to be hacked

I'll make things feel festive all over the house
My bible is HGTV
I'll find every box in the attic and basement
And put every tchotchke we own on the tree

Ornamental! (mental, mental)
Ornamental! (mental, mental)
I want everything to be ornamental! (mental, mental)
If the walls are a-glisten
I won't have to listen
To thoughts that remind me
Of things I am missin'
Ornamental! (mental, mental)

If I deck all the cats in Fair Isle sweaters
I am sure they'll enjoy that immensely
I'll throw lots of jingle bells onto the Roomba
And set it for maximum intensity

Ornamental! (mental, mental)
Ornamental! (mental, mental)
I want everything to be ornamental! (mental, mental)
If the house doesn't glimmer
My anger will simmer
And I'll know I'll have failed
As a top tier tree-trimmer
Ornamental! (mental, mental)

Now the tree's fully loaded with red and with green,
And silver, gold, blue, pink, grey, aquamarine,
This tree has more colors than you've ever seen,
And I think it's off balance and starting to lean...

Ornamental! (mental, mental)
Ornamental! (mental, mental)
I want everything to be ornamental! (mental, mental)
If the house doesn't glitter
I'll feel like a quitter
Just flog me with tinsel
If I start to get bitter

If the house isn't merry
Not sort-of but very
I'll keep adding lights
Right through mid-February

It's not ordinary
I hate ordinary
Every bare surface
Is my adversary

This is not a library
Nor stark monastery
I'm not bound by taste
Or concerns monetary

My hand towels are terry
And red as a cherry
These candles smell super
With cloves and cranberry

Even through January
I cause commentary
My work may be local,
Results planetary

Pine boughs I will ferry
To doors solitary
If I don't stop I'll end up
in some mortuary

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Listen to "Pantry Clause":
 

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Pantry Clause

(Nordquist)

You thought that no one was awake
You said it was an innocent mistake
You say it's a tradition
Which is basically a confession
That you're guilty
Oh, you’re guilty

I think you know what house you're in
I saw your hand inside that candy bin
It happens every year
but this time we got it all on tape
And you're guilty
You're so guilty

Come on, Santy Claus
Come on, Santy Claus
Read the Pantry Clause
Read the Pantry Clause
It says keep your hands off
Everything that's edible
And if you can't restrain yourself
Like some delinquent juvenile
Then just stay out, stay out
Keep your greedy paws out of the pantry.

"By entering this chimney, you
(hereinafter referred to as CHIMNEY GUEST)
Are deemed to have agreed to
The following terms of service...
CHIMNEY GUEST shall not enter
the pantry or any other food center
or comestible storage areas
as may from time to time be designated
by occupants, as has been previously stated,
nor cause any edible contents therein
to be removed, consumed, or misappropriated."
...I don't know how this could be any clearer!

You've never been the type to follow rules
You seem to think we common folk are fools
Caught you red handed, you thief
And you can save your excuse for the judge
Because you're guilty
Oh, you're guilty
Come on, Santy Claus
Come on, Santy Claus
Read the Pantry Clause
Read the Pantry Clause
It says keep your hands off
Everything that's edible
And if you can't restrain yourself
Like some voracious animal
Then just stay out, stay out
Keep your greedy paws out of the pantry

Come on, Santy Claus
Come on, Santy Claus
Read the Pantry Clause
Read the Pantry Clause
It says keep your hands off
Everything that's edible
And if you can't restrain yourself
Like any common criminal
Then just stay out, stay out
Keep your greedy paws out of the pantry

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Listen to "Bang the Yule Gong":
 

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Bang the Yule Gong

(Nordquist/Guskin)

Well your wassail, babe, is too much for my cup
And your candle is too hot to handle
Well your wassail, babe, is too much for my cup
And your candle is too hot to handle
And when you play your reindeer games
I go up in flames
What you bring is just too much
You're just too much

Bang the Yule gong
Before this Yule is gone
Bang the Yule gong
'Cause Yule just turn me on
This Yule is on

Now the candy canes are on the prowl
And at midnight they turn to coal
Now the candy canes are on the prowl
And at midnight they turn to coal
And my stocking of desire
Is still hanging by the fire
When the candy canes come down
When they come down

Bang the Yule gong
Before this Yule is gone
Bang the Yule gong
'Cause Yule just turn me on
This Yule is on

In days of old there was no gong
They had no way to herald the Yule
In days of old there was no gong
They had no way to herald the Yule
There was no joy to be found
'Til they heard that first gong sound
When that gleaming metal crash
Rang in the bash

Bang the Yule gong
Before this Yule is gone
Bang the Yule gong
'Cause Yule just turn me on
This Yule is —

Bang the Yule gong
Before this Yule is gone
Bang the Yule gong
'Cause Yule just turn me on
This Yule is on