Bah & the Humbugs - America's Premier Satiric Christmas Rock Band Bah & the Humbugs - America's premier Christmas comedy rock band

2004

Fahrenheit 12/25

 
Bah & the Humbugs - Fahrenheit 12/25

In 2004, Bah & the Humbugs recorded the politically-themed album Fahrenheit 12/25. See the official Fahrenheit 12/25 website for vintage political humor circa 2004.

Getting Christmas off the Ground
Fahrenheit 12/25
Christmas Bar
Sack Full of Toys
Inadmissable
The Christmas Zoo
Santa Cruise
What I Ate on my Christmas Vacation
All I Want for Christmas
Flinty Sparkmobile
Christmas to the World


Getting Christmas off the Ground

Nordquist

Santa's got a bunch of hoverdeer, hoverdeer, hoverdeer
Santa's got a bunch of hoverdeer
He takes them out for a ride each year
(Ching, ching, ching, ching)
Every Christmas Eve

Ho, ho, ho, ho
I love to get out with my hoverdeer
Ho, ho, ho
Now we're getting Christmas off the ground

Santa's got a brand new hoversleigh, a hoversleigh, a hoversleigh
Santa's got a brand new hoversleigh
He loads it up with the toys all day
(Ching, ching, ching, ching)
Every Christmas Eve

Ho, ho, ho, ho
I love to get out in my hoversleigh
Ho, ho, ho
Now we're getting Christmas off the ground

I wish I could fly on Santa's sleigh, on Santa's sleigh, on Santa's sleigh
I wish I could fly on Santa's sleigh
I'd sit in the back and stay out of the way
(Ching, ching, ching, ching)
Any Christmas Eve

Ho, ho, ho, ho
Of course you want to fly with Santa Claus
Ho, ho, ho
When we're getting Christmas off the ground

Ho, ho, ho, ho
Of course you want to fly with Santa Claus
Ho, ho, ho
on the hoversleigh,
with the sack of toys,
and the falling snow,
and the ho-ho-ho,
and look out below,
and the jolly elf,
and out in front, all the hoverdeer
And we're getting Christmas off the ground

Fahrenheit 12/25

Guskin/Nordquist

Dubya and Cheney were absolutely zany
With desire to find more oil
They'd drilled in the seas and they'd drilled in the parks
'Til there was no place left to spoil

Then the science guy told them to head where it's cold
And he showed them on the White House's big map
"All the way at the top there's an unexplored site
With millions and billions and zillions of barrels to tap."

Secure the Pole
And start to drill
If we don't get the oil
Then someone else will

Santa listed the naughty, and he listed the nice,
And he tallied what each kid deserves
But Santa didn't know what was under the snow;
That he sat on huge oil reserves

The Prez made his case - "There is no time to waste.
They've got great big filthy gobs of oil, and we need 'em.
Elves who make toys are a menace to all,
And those reindeer extremists hate us for our freedom."

Secure the Pole
And start to drill
If we don't take the oil
Then the terrorists will

Meanwhile, at the pole, things were starting to roll
And Santa was loading the sleigh
As he harnessed up Rudolph he was still unaware
Of the force that was coming his way

The elves in the shop saw the radar screen pop
Then the radio broadcast this warning:
"Lay down your toys and surrender at once,
Or we'll flatten the Pole by Christmas morning!"

"On Ashcroft, on Cheney, on Rumsfeld and Rice
We'll impose democracy on the snow and the ice!
To the top of the world, to the top of the globe,
Soon we'll have more oil than those guys in the robes!"

Back in the US, news of the mess
Appeared on every station
Santa appeared with an eight-day old beard;
No more menace to civilization

With the oil fields alight, late that Christmas night
One curious scientific fact was derived:
The temperature at which Christmas burns
Is precisely Fahrenheit 1225

Secure the Pole
And start to drill
If we don't grab that oil
Then our enemies will

Secure the Pole
And start to drill
If we don't seize the oil
Then Santa Claus will

Secure the Pole
And start to drill
If we don't claim the oil
Then Saint Nicholas will

Secure the Pole
And start to drill
If we don't nab the oil
Then Michael Moore will

Christmas Bar

Lehmkuhl

Shortest day of the year
Now the darkest night is here
The perfect place to be
With the loser that drives the moving van
And the burnt-out excuse for a business man
Chuggin' down more here than he's allowed at home

Santa's waitin' for the cops
The skinhead ripped him off
Stole the whole bag of toys
Now he's sittin' here in the dyin' light
Drowning his failure in whiskey and rye
Wonderin' if there's any point now to going home

Oh come and join us at the Christmas Bar
Just follow the neon star
Sometimes feels like there's big, fake, stupid
Joy wherever you are
But not at the Christmas Bar.

Dead smoke fills the air
But nobody seems to care
Cheap tinsel on a tiny tree
that used to light up and turn about
But the leak in the roof went 'n' shorted it out
Now we've all forgot the words to There's No Place Like Home

Oh come and join us at the Christmas Bar
Just follow the neon star
Sometimes seems like there's big, fake, stupid
Joy wherever you are
Well it ain't at the Christmas Bar.

Guess it's wet enough for snow
But it's just above freezin', not below
Why do we stay? I don't know
It gets to me, I won't try to lie
The empties make me wanna cry
Every time I think about gettin' up and goin' ho... ho... ho...
(Hey Nicky, why dontcha bring me another one of those 'presents...)
I drunk this one dry

Oh come and join us at the Christmas Bar
Just follow the neon star
And if it seems like there's big, fake, stupid
Joy wherever you are
Come and try the Christmas Bar.

Sack Full of Toys

Nordquist

I've got a sack full of toys for the children, oh
A sack full of toys for the children, oh
Merry Christmas!
A great big sack of toys!

Here's a ping pong table for Peter Clark
Rock climbing boots for Jess and Joan
Bob gets a globe that glows in the dark
Isabella asked for a saxophone

I've got a sack full of toys for the children, oh
A sack full of toys for the children, oh
Merry Christmas!
They sure do love their toys!

Scooter the dog wants a stick to chase
Kitty-cat Boo wants a ball of string
But girls and boys are a different case
They want just about everything

I've got a sack full of toys for the children, oh
A sack full of toys for the children, oh
Merry Christmas!
A great big sack!

I've got a sack full of toys for the children, oh
A sack full of toys for the children, oh
Merry Christmas!
A great big sack of toys!

Inadmissable

Aster

I'm afraid we can't let you board that sleigh
You see, your name popped up on a list
Are you sure it's spelled S-A-N-T-A?
. . . It's not S-P-H-Y-N-X?

Well, you don't have to say
Because either way
I'm afraid you're
Inadmissible
Inadmissible
Inadmissible
Inadmissible

It says here your real name is Saint Nick
And you were born in Asia, I know
Now you're on your way in from the Arctic
So what's that white powder -- oh -- snow . . .

Well, whatever it is
I can tell you this
I'm afraid you're
Inadmissible
Inadmissible
Inadmissible
Inadmissible

Santa's on the no-fly list
They've got him down as a terrorist
Yes, Virginia, he does exist
He's right here . . . on the no-fly list

Now you can go back to the North Pole
But we'll have to look over your sleigh
And every one of your "toys" and every speck of "coal"
If it takes us a year and a day

And at the end of the day
We'll still say
I'm afraid you're
Inadmissible
Inadmissible
Inadmissible
Inadmissible

Inadmissible (Santa's on the no-fly list)
Inadmissible (They've got him down as a terrorist)
Inadmissible (Yes, Virginia, he does exist)
Inadmissible (He's right here . . . on the no-fly list)

The Christmas Zoo

Nordquist

Have you ever seen a polar bear trim a tree?
Put tinsel and lights on a little pine tree?
If you've never seen a polar bear trim a tree
Let's go to the Christmas Zoo

I wanna go to the Christmas Zoo
Yeah, yeah, the Christmas Zoo
The creatures love Christmas
Just like me and you
Let's all go to the Christmas Zoo!

Have you ever seen an elephant deck the halls?
Hang ribbons and wreaths all over the halls?
If you've never seen an elephant deck the halls
Let's go to the Christmas Zoo

I wanna go to the Christmas Zoo
Yeah, yeah, the Christmas Zoo
They celebrate Christmas
The whole year through
Let's all go to the Christmas Zoo!

Did you ever get a present from a chimpanzee?
A box with a bow from a chimpanzee?
If you never got a present from a chimpanzee
Let's go to the Christmas Zoo

I wanna go to the Christmas Zoo
Yeah, yeah, the Christmas Zoo
Coyotes sing carols with the caribou
Let's all go to the Christmas Christmas

I wanna go to the Christmas Zoo
Yeah, yeah, the Christmas Zoo
The monkeys jump around going ooh, ooh, ooh...

Let's all go to the Christmas Zoo!

Santa Cruise

Lehmkuhl

Bright streamers red and green
Our cruising party scene
We're on a ship out here
That comes but once a year
Come join our carvevale
Saint Nick's gone tropicale
A trip you should not miss
That's why we called it this

Santa Cruise
(December 26th - Break out the swizzle sticks)
Santa Cruise
(Now that the gifts are done - Come on out and have some fun)

Frosty has proved the lord
Lord of the shuffleboard
Rudolf's a fighter jet
His nose its brightest yet
Now that our jobs are through
We're hanging out with you
Just off the starboard bow
That's where we're headed now

Santa Cruise...

A toast! To Rudolf!
A toast! To Dancer!
A toast! To Dasher!
A toast! To Prancer!

To Comet! And Cupid! And Vixen!
A toast! To Donder! And Blitzen!
And to Captain Santa and the sleigh that he sits in!

Feliz Post-Navidad!
Feliz Post-Navidad!
Feliz Post-Navidad!
Feliz Post-Navidad!

Another toast! To Rudolf!
Another toast! To Santa!
A toast! To cookies!
To Maalox! And Mylanta!

A toast! To seagulls!
A toast! To Frosty!
A toast! To Scuba!
A toast! To Nestle! And Droste!

To Jesus! To Joseph!
To tinsel! To tassels!
To surfing! To stockings!
To candles! To sand Castles!

To green trees! To sea shells!
To sea breeze! To sleigh bells!
To holly! To flowers!
To egg nog! To whiskey sours!

And let's not forget to raise our glasses to...

Santa Cruise
(December 26th - No cruise like old Saint Nick's)
Santa Cruise
(You can get some autographs - Share drinks and love and laughs)

Santa Cruise
(December 26th - We've got the party mix)
Santa Cruise
(All aboard the Christmas ship - For a big vacation trip)

Santa Cruise
(December 26th - Forget your politics)
Santa Cruise
(Put down that glass of wine - Here comes the conga line)

Santa Cruise
(December 26th - Great way to get your kicks)
Santa Cruise
(We've made it through this year - Let's raise a mighty cheer)

Santa Cruise
(December 26th - Break out the swizzle sticks)
Santa Cruise
(Now that the gifts are done - Come on out and have some fun)

Santa Cruise
(December 26th - No cruise like old Saint Nick's)
Santa Cruise
(You can get some autographs - Share drinks and love and laughs)

What I Ate on My Christmas Vacation

Nordquist

I ate the red M&Ms on the first day of Christmas
(On the first day of Christmas)
I ate all of the red M&Ms on the first day of Christmas
Oh, my aching tummy!

I ate the green M&Ms on the second day of Christmas
(On the second day of Christmas)
I ate all of the green M&Ms on the second day of Christmas
Oh, my aching tummy!

So many things to eat, now
And all of them taste so sweet, now
But I need some self-control, now
'Cause it's getting out of hand

I ate sugar cookies on the third day of Christmas
(On the third day of Christmas)
I ate too many sugar cookies on the third days of Christmas
Oh, my aching tummy!

I ate candy canes on the fourth day of Christmas
(On the fourth day of Christmas)
I ate too many candy canes on the third days of Christmas
Oh, my aching tummy!

So many things to eat, now
And all of them taste so sweet, now
But I need some self-control, now
'Cause it's clearly out of hand

I ate chocolate cream pie on the fifth day of Christmas
(On the fifth day of Christmas)
I ate too much chocolate cream pie on the fifth day of Christmas
Oh, my aching tummy!

Then I went on a diet on the sixth day of Christmas
On the seventh day, the eighth day
I stayed on my diet for the ninth day, the tenth day,
The eleventh day of Christmas
Now I'm feeling better

I ate a gingerbread house on the twelfth day of Christmas
(On the twelfth day of Christmas)
I devoured the whole gingerbread house on the twelfth day of Christmas
Oh, my aching tummy!

What a Christmas!
What a Christmas!
What a happy, jolly Christmas!
What a Christmas!
What a Christmas!
Oh, my aching tummy!

All I Want for Christmas

S. Lehmkuhl

Santa I think for this year
Since I don't have so much on my list here
Please get me everything that I will write
I'll need them when you come around late tonight

The first thing on my list is a teddy bear
A small one, light brown, with lots of curly hair
I want a furry hat that keeps out the cold
With a pom-pom on top made out of gold
I want a bunch of books to read on rainy days
About kings and queens and dukes, and William Shakespeare's plays
I also want some tape, as sticky as can be
To tape up cards and papers and tape envelopes to me
I want a little clock on a clock tower
A big one that ticks and chimes on the hour
I want a skateboard for zooming down the road
I'll go so fast and far I'll go out of this zip code
I want a surfboard too for days out on the beach
It teaches you how to swim and the saltwater makes you screech
I want some chocolate to eat - it tastes so very good
And I love to eat it, like all good children should
A camera would be good to take some photographs
We might go to Africa and see some giraffes

Another thing I need is a case of chalk
To draw on the blackboard and on the sidewalk
I want a parrot that says everything I say
And a squirt gun that works in the ordinary way
The next things on my list are a video
And a Christmasy bough of fresh green mistletoe
So that I can play catch, I need a basketball
And since I knocked one down, I also need a wall
The next thing on my list is some tiny cars
And to see things up close I need binoculars
To put upon my bike I need a little bell
And to see the future I need a magic well
I want a bouncy ball, and for camping, tents,
Also some glass and dirt, and a chain-link fence
Some marbles and a bag, a table and a Christmas tree
A whistle and a lantern and a new Humbugs CD
So that I can talk to friends I need walkie-talkies
And to watch the Super Bowl, I need 15 TVs
I want a little sink, some salt and a rake
A lump of coal, some leaves, some tofu and a snake
I want a telephone and a box of crayons
A basket and a game and a slide to play on
I want Highway 39 and the Mississippi
Even though a river will get a little drippy
I want a radio, and the USA,
and if you don't mind, your authentic sleigh

Since I don't have so much on my list here
Can you please get me everything this year?

Flinty Sparkmobile

Nordquist

Flinty Sparkmobile
Flinty Sparkmobile
Shooting out sparks from every wheel!

Watch it roll all over the house!
Sparks are flying all over the house!
That's more fun than a robot mouse!

"Dear Santa, it's me, Bryan. Now I know what I want for Christmas.
It's a little truck called..."

Flinty Sparkmobile!

Not intended for homes which use natural gas.
See product package for additional precautions.

Christmas to the World

Lehmkuhl

What the world needs now
We gotta get it to 'em somehow
And it's not medicine or food
What they need's a better attitude
If you give a man a fish he's got just one night
to feed himself and his wife
But you teach a man a couple dozen carols
and he's set for life
(or maybe even longer)

It's time to do something for all mankind
Let's Give Christmas to the World
We'll hand out candy canes to every person we find
Let's Give Christmas to the World
In desolate lands without department stores
With no mincemeat pies or wreaths on doors
We'll send tin soldiers and a wooden horse
Let's Give Christmas to the World

Do they even know it's Christmastime
or do they need something to prove that it's here?
Well a sparkle-coated advent calendar
would make it crystal clear
(the kind with tiny chocolates)

It's better to give than it is to get
Let's Give Christmas to the World
From the shores of Tripoli to Taiwan and Tibet
Let's Give Christmas to the World
Even if we don't reach everybody we should
And only some agree it's for their own darn good
We'll smother the others with brotherhood
Let's Give Christmas to the World

Some people are poor, in spirit
Some people are starving, for attention
Some people have nothing, to do
on December 25th, so it's up to you
(and you, and you, and U...S...A..!)

We'll teach 'em to hang the Star on the Tree
Let's Give Christmas to the World
By hook or by crook, by land or by sea
Let's Give Christmas to the World
Once we send it over and they try it on
Our joy-filled, toy-filled phenomenon
They'll reschedule Hanukah and Ramadan
Let's Give Christmas to the World

When it's snowing worldwide, now you know it's true
Let's Give Christmas to the World
They'll be lookin' for Santa Claus and Jesus too
Let's Give Christmas to the World
The jingo bells'll drown out complaints
Let's Give Christmas to the World
And we'll cover the earth like that big can o' paint
Let's Give Christmas to the World
Bright lights lighting up every street
Let's Give Christmas to the World
We'll get 'em marching to the little drummer boy's beat
Let's Give Christmas to the World...