Dec, 23: Bush cancels Christmas; Dec. 25 now 'Freedom Day'

Dec. 15: US launches pre-emptive invasion of North Pole

Nov. 14: Cheney: Santa's sack is full of "toys of mass destruction"

July 4: Bush's new 'Axis of Evil': the North and South Poles

Apr. 14: Santa Claus added to terror no-fly list

Apr. 11: Enormous oil deposits detected at North Pole

23 DECEMBER 2004

Bush Cancels Christmas; Dec. 25 now 'Freedom Day'

As a U.S. general admitted facing "an increasingly organized and well-armed insurgency" at the North Pole, President Bush issued an order permanently expunging Christmas from the calendar.

"While U.S. troops risk their lives facing the supporters of that cruel and evil dictator Santa Claus and his network of terrorists all around the world, we can no longer condone celebrating their terror-filled holiday as part of our nation's calendar," Bush stated at a White House press conference. "Therefore, I have ordered that Christmas be removed from the calendar."

Christmas has long been at odds with American and Christian values, Bush said. "The orgy of greed and gluttony that we call Christmas has always offended decent God-fearing Americans. Extremist ideas such as 'peace on earth' and 'good will to all men' are foolish, dishonest, and out of touch with the mainstream of America, as my resounding victory in this year's election clearly demonstrates."

December 25 will still be a holiday, Bush said, but from this year forward it will be known as "Freedom Day." He urged Americans to support the U.S. troops by "going out, buying gifts, and enjoying your Freedom Day. Because, if you don't, the terrorists have already won."

15 DECEMBER 2004

US Launches Pre-emptive Invasion of North Pole

The United States is at war with the North Pole.

Addressing Americans on national TV, President Bush said the Arctic invasion was "justified" and "unavoidable" because of Santa Claus's refusal to destroy his huge stockpiles of toys of mass destruction.

"We can't afford to wait while Satanic, uh, Santa Claus continues with his insane scheme to rain destruction upon the United States of America.

"Some other nations, such as Canada, France, and every other nation on Earth, are not convinced that Santa Claus is a threat. They say they would prefer to resolve the situation through negotiation. But the time has passed for negotiation.

"I have always said that America will go it alone if necessary in taking action to protect our nation, and this is one of those times when it is necessary."

Bush predicted a swift victory, saying that most U.S. troops would be home by Christmas.

14 NOVEMBER 2004

Cheney: Santa's Sack Is Full of "Toys of Mass Destruction"

Vice President Dick Cheney leveled an alarming new accusation at Santa Claus: that Santa is preparing a large-scale delivery of "toys of mass destruction" to America's children.

"We have solid intelligence indicating that Santa is will deliver millions of toys of mass destruction to 'sleeper cells' of children all over the United States," Cheney told reporters during a press briefing.

"On the morning of December 25th, these sleeper cells will wake up, gleefully unwrap their toys of mass destruction, and launch a wave of destruction unlike anything America has ever seen."

Cheney acknowledged that Santa Claus has long been a beloved holiday icon. "Many Americans will not want to believe that Santa is taking deliberate action to cause great harm to all of us." But if the U.S. does not respond to "this urgent and growing threat," Cheney said, the nation "will wake up to a Christmas firestorm that will make 9/11 look like a Yule log."

Cheney demanded that Santa Claus immediately stop all toys of mass destruction related activities and allow U.S. inspectors to locate and destroy all existing TMDs at the North Pole.

4 JULY 2004

Bush's New 'Axis of Evil': The North and South Poles

Two new enemies have jumped to the top of President Bush's list. In an Independence Day speech at Holy Freedom College, Bush named the North Pole and the South Pole as "the most dangerous forces opposed to democracy and freedom."

"These two lands are the true Axis of Evil around which the entire world of terrorism revolves," the president said. In a 2001 speech, Bush dubbed Iraq, Iran, and North Korea the 'Axis of Evil,' but those countries were not even mentioned in today's speech.

"The North Pole, led by that evildoer Santa Claus, must be held to account for its flagrant disregard of international law and moral values," Bush said.

"If you look at any globe, you can see the lines of evil emanating outward from the pole in every direction. These lines, which some call 'meridians,' bring their hate-filled intentions to every point on earth. But let me tell you, Mr. Claus, we are not going to take your meridians any more."

Bush had equally strong words for the South Pole and its leader, a mysterious figure known only as Penguinus Rex. "Those penguins can survive in the coldest and harshest environments on Earth, but they cannot stand against the determination and will of the United States of American. They can run — actually they can't run, but they can waddle — but they cannot hide."

14 APRIL 2004

Santa Claus on Feds' "No-fly" List

A passenger was removed from a flight at Cleveland International Airport after airline personnel mistook him for Santa Claus.

Passenger Nick Saint said he first thought it was a joke when he was asked to leave the flight. But it wasn't a joke to FBI investigators, who interviewed him for three hours before finally concluding that he was not the so-called 'Jolly Old Elf.'

An FBI spokesman admitted that the similarity of Nick Saint's name with "Saint Nick," one of Santa Claus's many known aliases, was the source of the confusion.

"It's completely bizarre," said Saint. "This [action] was wrong in so many ways, I don't know where to start. First of all, I have nothing whatsoever to do with international terrorism. Secondly, I am not Santa Claus, not even close. And, third, Santa Claus has nothing to do with international terrorism."

On that last point, an analyst in the CIA's terrorism task force, who asked not to be named, disagreed. "Santa Claus has provided material and moral support to terrorists and terror groups," the analyst said. "He's not as squeaky-clean as people would like to believe. The ties are there.

"We are safer," the analyst concluded, "knowing that Santa Claus is not up there," in American airspace.

11 APRIL 2004

Enormous Oil Reserves Discovered at North Pole

Huge untapped reserves of oil lie directly beneath the North Pole, according to a report soon to be released by the National Energy Policy Working Group.

The reserves may be "the largest in the world," according to Joachim Petroglyph, a geologist at the NEPWG. "It went undetected all this time because of the forbidding environment of the Arctic icecap. But with global warming, most of the ice has melted away. Our ships went in, and, wow!"

US oil companies are already developing plans to drill in the chilly Arctic. "We have to get there quickly, before the Russians or Finns or someone else moves in. Hopefully Santa Claus won't mind," joked Petroglyph.

Environmental group Greenpeace issued a statement today expressing concern about possible drilling at the North Pole. "This is a fragile ecosystem," said Greenpeace's Chloe Dissent. "A single spill could devastate it for hundreds of years."

"Normally I'd worry about whether the environment might be at risk," said Petroglyph. "But you have to understand how much oil this is."